Most managers dread having to give feedback about work performance to someone they supervise. It is the manager's job to provide this as needed, but how can one avoid defensiveness in these conversations?
We talk a lot about "I" statements in conflict resolution skills trainings. If we start with an "I" statement in providing feedback, we can respectfully share our story with some humilty. Maybe we will find out new information that will change our understanding of the situation. After sharing your story, ask the other person for her story.
If you share a mutual purpose, you can, after clarifying understandings, move toward problem-solving. If you don't share a mutual purpose, they may be a more difficult conversation ahead!
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*I* concur wholeheartely with your advice to keep feedback 'I' oriented.
ReplyDeleteI always liked the following three 3 rules for giving feedack (taught to me by Andrew Pickup). Start each sentence with the following words...
1. 'I observed this behaviour...' - Keep the feedback specific and focused on the behviour. For example, 'I observed that you interrupted me repeatedly in the meeting...'
2. 'I experienced this impact...' - Share with the individual the consequences of their behaviour on you. For example, 'The interruptions made it difficult to stay on track and I had to keep bringing the group back to the topic at hand.'
3. 'I felt...' - This comment extends the 'impact' but shared the even more hidden dimension of one's feelings. For example, 'The interruptions made me feel frustrated, and distracted. In short, 'angry'. Note - There are 4 basic feelings: mad, sad, glad and scared (nod to Valerie Lankford). People often abuse the 'feel' word when they are really expressing an opinion (eg. 'I feel that you are an idiot...'). If it does not fall into one of these 4 categories, then it is likely not a true 'feeling'.
The key qualities to this approach are the following...
1. Be specific and tangible. Avoid broad generalisation or speculation.
2. Be personal and first-hand. Avoid hearsay or interpretation.
3. Focus on 'I' (my observations, impact and feelings). Avoid saying 'you'.
My father used to say that 'Relationships break down when people invest more energy in being right than in solving problems.' A big benefit of this approach is there is no argument. There is really nothing up for debate. The observations and the impacts are statements of what happened and the person cannnot know argue what your feelings were.
This approach works just as well for positive feedback as negative. For example, 'I observed that you took time to help your colleague today. I experienced the impact that the person did the task faster and better than I have ever seen them do it. I felt inspired (happy) by your generosity.' One of the benefits of using this approach that seems more matter-of-fact is that it avoids the pitfall of coming across patronizing or judgemental in your positive feedback even when it is intended as being flattering and uplifting.