Marital Mediation

"Marital mediation" is a term coined by mediator John Fiske to describe using mediation for renegotiating a relationship.

Marital mediation is different from marital therapy in that there is no exploration of pathologies - it is all about working together to define a problem and negotiating a solution. Sometimes, it is as simple as taking a look at communication blockers.

The term marital, by the way, is short-hand for long-term intimate relationships of a covenant nature. At DSC we would in no way want to exclude couples who have not legally married or who cannot legally marry.

In a long-term relationships there may be seemingly intractable issues about money or division of duties that get in the way of closeness. With the help of a skilled mediator, these can be put on the table, discussed and different behaviors negotiated.

The right to divorce is important, and divorce is appropriate in many cases. But, negotiating how to love the one you are with can be a great option.

Giving Effective Feedback

Most managers dread having to give feedback about work performance to someone they supervise. It is the manager's job to provide this as needed, but how can one avoid defensiveness in these conversations?

We talk a lot about "I" statements in conflict resolution skills trainings. If we start with an "I" statement in providing feedback, we can respectfully share our story with some humilty. Maybe we will find out new information that will change our understanding of the situation. After sharing your story, ask the other person for her story.

If you share a mutual purpose, you can, after clarifying understandings, move toward problem-solving. If you don't share a mutual purpose, they may be a more difficult conversation ahead!

Mutual Purpose

The bestselling Crucial Conversations (Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler, 2002 McGraw-Hill) has a great and simple tip about helping us establish safety when we need to talk about something controversial. They suggest taking care that a sense of Mutual Purpose is honored and guarded.

If you need to give difficult feedback, you've got to show the other person that your goals for giving the feedback are for the Mutual Purpose. Otherwise, it is too easy for the listener to lose trust and feel defensive.

The writers are quick to point out that Mutual Purpose is not a technique. You have to really care about the interests of the other person, as well as our own.

Our underfunded court system

Most of us don't think about our court system very much. It's just there. We don't like to think about it because most of us don't like to think about conflict (unless we are watching slick courtroom dramas on TV.)

Just think though if we did not have a court system. Chaos! Self-help! More violence!

North Carolina's leadership in mediation has helped its court system function as well as it does.

This is from Judge W. David Lee, chair of North Carolina's Dispute Resolution Commission:

When money is scarce, our courts often “feel the pinch”, as well. ... Just like our citizens who have been hard hit, our courts must find ways to adapt to our current environment. While our citizens grapple with these economic and related issues, I am convinced that our situation would be worse absent the mediation process.... Beyond our Superior Court’s Mediated Settlement Conference Program and our District Court’s Family Financial Settlement Program, Dispute Settlement Centers operating across our State are successfully mediating thousands of juvenile cases and misdemeanor criminal matters, further reducing the burden on our courts. In addition, those same Centers serve to resolve a wide array of disputes voluntarily brought to them by citizens hopeful of resolving their conflicts short of litigation and court involvement.

The End of the Affair

We provide mediation for separating couples. There's an old saying among criminal defense lawyers that their clients when in court are "bad people at their best" and among divorce lawyers that their clients are "good people at their worst."

The divorce clients I have seen are fine people, trying to do their best, in very difficult situations. No matter what, there are issues of betrayal, grief over broken promises, fear of change, and the fact of a much different financial horizon for each party.

Divorce costs a lot: attorneys fees, separate living quarters, perhaps therapy. The untangling of finances, the complicated parenting arrangements, and the processing of emotions take energy.

Mediation is not a cure-all for any of this, but I've seen it help tremendously. Sitting down with an ex-partner in this situation is a profound act of respect. According to longitudinal research conducted at the University of Virginia, fathers who used mediation were shown years later to be twice as likely to have good relationships with their children as those who did not.

If you or someone you know is dealing with the end of a relationship, Julie Potts at jpotts@disputesettlement.org can tell you more about using mediation.

Simmering conflicts?

Mediators observe that it is better when people speak directly and respectfully about their needs, but know that people have to be ready to do this. After a hurt, there is so much vulnerability. It may not feel safe to take that step.

Even with simple, everyday conflicts - or irritations that haven't yet become conflicts - it is a tough choice whether to say anything. But, we know that forestalling a conflict with clear communication is very efficient. It can set the other person at ease if they know you are communicating with them along the way. How many of us have known people who hold it in until they blow?

Have any simmering conflicts? Take a day to learn some fresh approaches. We are offering Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills training Friday, March 20 from 9-4 in Carrboro. It will be interactive and fun. Register at www.disputesettlement.org.

Restorative Justice

As mediators say, "blaming is a victim's game." Our criminal justice system, however, is mostly about punishment or retribution. Often times it is about keeping the public safe from individuals with a history of violence.

"Restorative Justice" aims to restore what is broken in the community by the bad act committed, and focuses on accountability and apologies.

Dispute Settlement Center offers a restorative justice option for juveniles through its victim-offender mediation program. Through it, young people who commit crimes such as vandalism can meet with their victims in safe environment mediators. It can be a powerful experience for all.

North Carolina is an unusual state in that juvenile court jurisdiction only goes to 16. In almost all states it is 18 or 17. This can be seen as harsh, as juvenile court jusridiction offers young people more services and a focus on rehabilitation.

Some people are working to change this. What do you think?

Face Time

I just heard a BBC story on research showing that being with people face-to-face has health benefits. Not surprising, "face time" has declined over the last 20 years as people spend time on the internet and with social media (as you and I are doing right now.)

Mediators have struggled with telephone mediation and on-line mediation (and many use this if it is the only way feasible) but generally conclude that face-to-face mediation is more useful and effective.

Have you ever gotten in to an email snit with someone, then easily worked it out in person?

Shout out to peer mediators

Today I met a woman who had been a peer mediator back in high school. She glowed when she talked about the great feeling it gave her to help her classmates by serving as a mediator. She remembers that it helped develop her leadership skills.

We provide peer mediation training in our local school systems and in area independent schools. We don't claim that we can prevent violence in schools, but according to a principal we worked with, "it can change the climate of a school."

Teachers are up against a lot these days. We've got a Conflict Resolution for Educators training coming up April 24th. Let us know if you'd like to sign up.

And hey, if you were a peer mediator in school what was it like for you? If you are one now, how's it going?

The Fog of Conflict

Most days at the Dispute Settlement Center we are fielding calls from people who are feeling a mix of anger, frustration, and confusion. They typically feel wronged or at least disrespected. They often feel a bit lost.

Callers aren't interested in what agency program they might fit in to, or what terms mediators might use to describe their situation. They are in the Fog of Conflict. What seems to help is clarifying with them what is important to them, and giving them some neutral outside perspective, mainly through asking careful open-ended questions.

I was in a difficult professional situation this past year. In my confusion, I was seeing one way out - straight ahead. My friend, acting as a neutral, reminded me of other perspectives, all of which I initially rejected. Over time, with her prodding, I came to see the other perspectives. Things began to make more sense, and I emerged from the Fog.

Not complicated stuff. But her skill (she's a trained and experienced mediator!) was just what I needed in order to emerge from the conflict feeling I had done my best.

Welcome to the Dispute Settlement Center's Blog!

We know that dispute resolution including mediation is a great field. US News and World Report has declared "Mediator" as one of the best careers for 2009.



In bad economic times, people need help with conflicts perhaps more than ever. While mediation is not a substitute when legal assistance is needed, working out your conflicts with a third party neutral, or learning how to do it yourself, can save money, time, and heart ache.



Have you used mediation before? Have your kids learned to be peer mediators? Are you in a conflict right now that you need help with?