Most days at the Dispute Settlement Center we are fielding calls from people who are feeling a mix of anger, frustration, and confusion. They typically feel wronged or at least disrespected. They often feel a bit lost.
Callers aren't interested in what agency program they might fit in to, or what terms mediators might use to describe their situation. They are in the Fog of Conflict. What seems to help is clarifying with them what is important to them, and giving them some neutral outside perspective, mainly through asking careful open-ended questions.
I was in a difficult professional situation this past year. In my confusion, I was seeing one way out - straight ahead. My friend, acting as a neutral, reminded me of other perspectives, all of which I initially rejected. Over time, with her prodding, I came to see the other perspectives. Things began to make more sense, and I emerged from the Fog.
Not complicated stuff. But her skill (she's a trained and experienced mediator!) was just what I needed in order to emerge from the conflict feeling I had done my best.
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Thank you for posting your experience with a mediator. It has reinforced my belief that mediation can open one's eyes when they are in this "Fog of Conflict". I think that it is easy for people to stay trapped in beliefs that aren't actually real, or just.... and that mediation serves as a way out of one's biast beliefs and helps them to open their eyes to the concerns/problems/beliefs of others. So often in our society we ignore others and impose ourselves on them, as if to say that only our own beliefs matter. Well, we got these beliefs from others, and we should not reach a point in our adult lives where we believe we have all of the right answers...we should keep our eyes open to ensure that everyone has a chance to be heard and understood. This is not to say that others opinions/beliefs are valid ones, it is to say that they should be given the chance to be understood, for these ideas could be ones that would be beneficial to have, ones that we might adopt. It seems to me that most prejudices could be diminished significantly if we could more often open our ears and shut our mouths.
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