Monday, March 9, 2009

The End of the Affair

We provide mediation for separating couples. There's an old saying among criminal defense lawyers that their clients when in court are "bad people at their best" and among divorce lawyers that their clients are "good people at their worst."

The divorce clients I have seen are fine people, trying to do their best, in very difficult situations. No matter what, there are issues of betrayal, grief over broken promises, fear of change, and the fact of a much different financial horizon for each party.

Divorce costs a lot: attorneys fees, separate living quarters, perhaps therapy. The untangling of finances, the complicated parenting arrangements, and the processing of emotions take energy.

Mediation is not a cure-all for any of this, but I've seen it help tremendously. Sitting down with an ex-partner in this situation is a profound act of respect. According to longitudinal research conducted at the University of Virginia, fathers who used mediation were shown years later to be twice as likely to have good relationships with their children as those who did not.

If you or someone you know is dealing with the end of a relationship, Julie Potts at jpotts@disputesettlement.org can tell you more about using mediation.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Simmering conflicts?

Mediators observe that it is better when people speak directly and respectfully about their needs, but know that people have to be ready to do this. After a hurt, there is so much vulnerability. It may not feel safe to take that step.

Even with simple, everyday conflicts - or irritations that haven't yet become conflicts - it is a tough choice whether to say anything. But, we know that forestalling a conflict with clear communication is very efficient. It can set the other person at ease if they know you are communicating with them along the way. How many of us have known people who hold it in until they blow?

Have any simmering conflicts? Take a day to learn some fresh approaches. We are offering Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills training Friday, March 20 from 9-4 in Carrboro. It will be interactive and fun. Register at www.disputesettlement.org.